Can't sleep so might as well.

This will be my first blog ever. Can't sleep and very depressed for some unknown reason today.

Since I can't quite figure myself out, I'm just going to start in. Life sucks, or so has been my history of it thus far. I don't even know what I used to think, but lately although I feel like my husband is finally trying, it still sucks. I spend too much time dealing with the past and not focusing on my future. Or rather thinking of the future and seeing it with the past still at hand which proves to be daunting and once again a greater challenge than I see myself facing.

Today is a down day for me, and without any known reason. Although I accomplished very little, I did have the day off with my kids and tried to show Ben that I cared by bringing him a milkshake and drink during the day. I do care, and actually have cared more in the past which is what makes me scared. I had so many strong feeling for him before he left us and couldn't imagine a day without him. Now that he left, I was faced with reality and dealing with what life is like in his absence. For once I finally felt better about myself. I don't blame him for it. I am sure it was the fact that we were married young and from two very different families and lifestyles. I am certain that is the case. Regardless, I never questioned my love and desire for him all those years until the time he left. There are so many pivotal times within the last few years. Although I have learned I have been the reason for Blair, I still feel as though I wanted Ben and my marriage more than ever before. I wanted to do anything to make it work, but my need for honesty and worthwhileness always got in the way. It became two years of hell that I would take more than drastic measures to never let happen again. At this point I don't feel that anything is worth what I have been through and could make me go through it again. It really hurts me to say this, but even my kids. I am just not that strong of a person. I lost a lot of myself during that point in my life.

This recent year has shown me who I am more. I was finally forced to be my own person and do things on my own. To be controlled in many ways is not a life for anyone. I know that I controlled in what I wanted Ben to believe and do, and he controlled me in many other ways that I feel limited me in growing as a person on many levels and being an individual. I gained small amounts but substantially in this area. I am scared that I am losing this once again since he has come back.

I don't want to write much more now, because I am in a depressed mood and am not happy with myself at this point in life. I began running about the time that he first began with Blair and have since given it up past his most recent affair. I am allowing myself to regress and there is only one person to blame regardless of where I want to point the finger.

I don't know where I have went with this whole post other than the fact that I am not sure of where I am in life right now. I know I am unhappy with where I am and can't even figure out where I need to turn and when I am being used. I guess time will tell, and that's what it seems I have right now.